Due to my trauma I don’t think I ever really trusted when people said they loved me. It was just a word. Yet I yearned so hard to feel loved. Every wish I ever made was to find someone who loved me (sounds pathetic).

I’m with a great partner who is so supportive and wants to understand me. To hear not just what I say but all the thoughts I have. Where I get tripped up is when those thoughts are negative - either berating myself or jumping two and three steps ahead of where the conversation is at.

I finally got on meds to help with the night terrors I was having, and for a while my dreaming was stable. The nightmares are back and they disorient me when I wake up. Sometimes they seem so real when I wake it takes a minute to figure out where I am. Then the feelings the dream caused linger, I can’t seem to shake them. Logically I know the feelings have no foundation, but I can’t help it. It pushes me into a dark distrusting state where all I want is to self destruct (which used to be one of my coping strategies).

My partner worries that I’m disassociating and it could lead to harm. I just feel devastated because I’m back to my old belief that I’m not actually loved.

Does anyone have similar experience or suggestions for getting past this?