So, I met this person on r4r yesterday. Sent him a message, very hopeful, he seemed really intelligent and right up my alley. I have a long history of starting potential relationships and then having them crash and burn within a few days, so I guess I knew something would go wrong, but I wasn't sure what it would be.

Well, today, excitedly I talked to him more, and as I explained my backstory, I started feeling my toxic shame more and more, because I have had a really small life due to avoiding basically everything that stresses me, and I felt like I must look pathetic. And he started reminding me of my father - as all intelligent men do - more and more.

It started getting unbearable. I started feeling like he secretly thought I was pathetic and disgusting and unworthy of his attention, and I tried subconsciously to act really serious and smart and match his tone of voice, and probably overdid the confidence a bit. I felt like I was being analyzed, like my mind and personality were just a plate of food being sized up, even though the guy didn't say anything judgmental towards me - in fact all the judgment came from me onto myself.

I tried to hide it but I couldn't, and my attraction, which had first turned to fear and fawning, then started turning into hate as I convinced myself that in fact this guy IS an asshole who just wants to control me and turn me into the person he wants and he thinks I'm a pathetic loser doormat he can stomp all over - and I wanted to strangle him!

I went from being attracted to someone, to frightened and desperately seeking his approval, to wanting to literally cause him pain, in the span of a few minutes - and he was a complete stranger! I made myself look totally NUTS and he told me to get lost because he hadn't even said one offensive word and I was acting so hostile - and you know what? He was right! What the fuck??

Everyone I try to date always reminds me either of my mother - so that I end up feeling pity and contempt for them, and a kind of skin crawling disgust - or of my father - so that I desperately want to earn their approval and go to absurd lengths covering up my real self to do it, even though they haven't shown any evidence of being worthy themselves, and then get pissed at them just for existing after I get too overwhelmed.

How can I stop getting so insanely triggered and projecting my parents onto other people and ruining potential relationships?? I have done this SO MANY TIMES that it just makes me want to bang my head against a wall.