A really important piece of context here is that I also suffer from a dissociative disorder (DPDR) that leads me to have severe memory loss, and often makes me feel completely detached from other people/ my own emotions. I’m afraid that I might be looking to cut this friend off just because of my DPDR, and not for the right reasons. So I’m hoping someone else can give me a second opinion on this situation/ a fresh perspective.

There’s someone I’ve been friends with for seven years (since high school). But nowadays, I feel very resistant to interacting with her and hanging out with her. I just know that my gut feeling towards her is negative- I feel extremely uncomfortable, uneasy, and dissociate when I interact with her. I’ve been considering ending this friendship for a while now.

But I really struggle to remember specific actions of hers/ specific incidents that bother me, though. Most of our friendship is... a complete blank to me, memory-wise.

One red flag I can remember is that she was misgendering me for a long time/ has made transphobic remarks towards me in the past. This is something she’s been working on for a while, but… I still don’t feel comfortable or safe around her, because of her past actions. I feel like I should have gotten over it… especially since she’s gotten better with using my pronouns and understanding trans identities now. But I can’t move past my past hurt, for some reason.

Another thing that I think might be a huge red flag from her is the following. A year ago, with the help of my therapist, I managed to successfully end an abusive friendship with a mutual friend of ours (let's call that abuser "S".) Well... I told my best friend about how S had been abusive to me, and that I was ending the friendship. And... my best friend’s response was that she didn't want to take sides, because she loves us both. I figured that that was fair at the time. But now I am not so sure. She is still friends with both of us to this day. She will mention my abuser by accident sometimes in casual conversation, or accidentally send a photo of them hanging out together. Which really bothers me. I had to remind her not to mention my abuser- and she’s still forgotten. I can't help but feel like... if she really cared about me, she would have ended her relationship with someone who she knows abused me. I feel like in this case, she should actually have chosen a side- my side. And I feel like if she really cared about me, she wouldn't be carelessly triggering me by casually mentioning my abuser.

The problem is that this friend seems to really adore and love me. But... I don't feel that love towards her. I don't feel anything towards her. I can't tell if it's because of her actions, or just my DPDR sabotaging me.

She's also made a lot of progress- she's in therapy now, is better at respecting boundaries, etc. She’s also shown me kindness and offered me plenty of emotional support in the past. She has a lot of good qualities. But I just feel so uncomfortable around her, and like I don’t trust her. I feel guilty and unreasonable for being stuck on things that she did in the past. But I feel like maybe my trust in her has been fundamentally damaged- and I’m not sure if it’s justified. I'm also a little worried that she might have a mental breakdown if I end the friendship with her.