I feel like I drive away people who care about me because it hurts them when I am unable to receive their care. But it hurts me too much to be on the receiving end of any kindness or affection. My dissociative disorder often will leave me completely disconnected from emotions, which poses an extra challenge.

I can’t bring myself to receive other people’s attempts at caring about me. I get very flustered or frazzled, which other people seem to think is cute. But deep down, I feel genuinely upset, and their kindness actually really hurts me. I can’t explain why. It’s such an intense pain that I just can’t handle it.

Another big problem I’m having is with physical touch. I am simultaneously touch averse and touch starved, and I can’t even bring myself to ask people for hugs and stuff like that. But I think that physical affection is actually something that I do desperately need. I just feel too embarrassed and ashamed (and scared).

How can I start to train myself to accept people’s kindness? I feel like part of this struggle is related to a lot of my internalized toxic masculinity too. There’s this voice telling me I have to be strong and cold and aloof and hyperindependent at all costs.