Most I’ll be able to manage is like 2 little gasps/whimpers (you know the kind, but I don’t know what else to call them)

A little about me, I was diagnosed with aspergers at age 5 and was always bullied by not only the students, but the teachers and even my own family. I would get into fights at school trying to defend myself pretty much every day and pretty much every day I cried. I would be told “you’re a big boy now and big boys don’t cry”, every time I would cry I would be so mad at myself. “I’m so weak” I would tell myself. Because of my autism I had many sensitivities as a child, and because of my growing and burning hatred for myself and my condition, every time something happened to make me cry or have a meltdown I would fixate on the reason it happened and I would ‘flip a switch’ and ‘kill that trigger’, “I won’t let that upset me again. Rinse and repeat hundreds, if not thousands of times. Pros to my strategy: Whereas when I was a child it was very obvious there was something wrong with me, as an adult I’ve pushed myself to be as close to ‘normal’ as I can be by eliminating my sensitivity to certain triggers and no one would ever guess I’m autistic. Cons to my strategy: I don’t know what I am feeling most of the time unless it’s on the extreme end like anger, happiness, sadness/depression, I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore because I ‘mask’ so effectively and I’ve eliminated most of my autistic traits and emotions over the years, I just kind of exist and fake it the best I can through social interactions. I have a therapist I talk to regularly and I’m starting to get back in touch with my emotions, though I fear they will be overwhelming as they were back when I was a kid, and if that happens I’m afraid history will repeat itself. I don’t know…is there anybody out there who can identify with me or has a clue wtf I’m even trying to say?

PS: I’m fine, I’m not in any form of danger. Things are just hard and I’d really like someone to connect with or some support. Thanks, sorry if this reads any kind of way