Long story short, when I was 14, a family member did some traumatizing things to me during a drug-induced psychotic episode. I’m not comfortable going into any more detail. Afterwards, everyone around me dismissed me because “he wasn’t in his right mind” and “he would normally never do such a thing”, and defended him, and demanded I forgive him.

Now drugs are a very severe ptsd trigger for me. Even prescription meds. I’ve been unable to bring myself to even take meds for my neurological issues and autoimmune disorder because prescription meds are such a bad ptsd trigger for me. I’m afraid of having a psychotic episode like he did, or other serious/ fatal side effects. (He took SNRIs as prescribed, which triggered his psychotic episode.)

One of the meds is verapamil (for visual snow syndrome) and another is hydroxychloroquine (I have autoimmune arthritis). I’m not sure what the consequences of failing to take these medications could be. I think I might be fine re: the visual snow. But I’ve heard that in the case of rheumatoid arthritis, failing to treat it can possibly reduce someone’s lifespan by 10-15 years. Not sure if it’s the same for my specific kind of autoimmune arthritis (spondylitic). I’d ask my doctors but I don’t know how to bring this up to them without revealing too much about my trauma. Doctors also tend to try and force medication on me.

There’s also several other medications I technically should be taking (for digestive issues, etc.) that I just pushed to the back of my mind.

I’ve also dealt with a lot of medical trauma (shitty and gaslighty doctors failing to believe me/ give me a diagnosis for years of chronic medical issues). I’m young, trans, a person of color, and disabled, and a lot of doctors have treated me pretty terribly. So my faith in doctors is also 0%, which doesn’t help.

I also haven’t been able to take anti-depressants despite the fact that I really should be on them, because of how prolonged and severe my depression and ptsd has been. I basically have had no hope or will to live for most of my life, and therapy isn’t sufficient. My quality of life is nonexistent and I constantly am on the verge of suicide, but I can’t bring myself to take meds.

Please don’t just say “you have no choice, you have to take the meds”. If it were that easy I would have done it already. I’m in therapy, but am currently in the process of switching providers.

I managed to reach out to a psychiatrist last week. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go through with our meeting.

Is anyone in a similar position with drugs/ prescription meds being a trigger for them?