In my case, my own field of study has become a trigger. Some days I feel like I love classics and Ancient Greek and want to go to grad school and become a professor myself and teach Greek to students. Sometimes I feel complete apathy towards the subject, or even an aversion or hatred towards the field, and a desire to get the hell out of here. I’m struggling to figure out if I should continue in the field because of this.

There was a professor who taught me Ancient Greek for two years. The first Greek and classics courses I took were with him. He actually got me interested in this field in the first place. I adored him.

But long story short, he failed to maintain appropriate boundaries with me- he’d kind of invite me to share my traumas with him, or ask too intimate questions about my mental health, etc. I was so dissociated and out of it this past year, and he’s also a cis male authority figure (I’m really terrified of men), so I would just dissociate and tell him anything he wanted me to. In other words, I was so dissociated that these conversations were not really consensual on my end- which is really disturbing for me in hindsight.

After inviting me to share personal/ trauma things with him, he’d often respond ignorantly, invalidating me or responding with toxic positivity. I got very upset about this and confronted him. He apologized, and acted like everything was fine for the rest of the semester. But at the end of the semester, he informed me that he had decided to end all contact with me, because he felt I was too mentally unstable for him to interact with. These interactions really fucked me up.

I almost dropped out of Intermediate Greek this fall because it reminded me of that professor, and I was too triggered by what had happened. I was so triggered and dissociated that I actually felt complete apathy towards Greek, and was convinced I didn’t like the field anymore. But in the last minute of course registration, I suddenly snapped out of my trance and started sobbing at the thought of dropping Greek, and suddenly remembered it was my favorite class, and switched back in right before registration closed.

I was hoping to apply for a post bacc program in classics next year. I have an interview for that program this week. But I’m not even sure if I like Greek anymore. I don’t want to become a Greek professor anymore because I am afraid to become anything like him.

I can’t get rid of him. He’s everywhere. Every vocabulary word, grammar lesson, myth or story… reminds me of him, inevitably, since he taught me almost everything I know. My own field keeps reminding me of him. I still haven’t recovered from what he did to me. Is leaving my field the only way I can find peace? I just want the pain to stop.