Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I am struggling to figure out how much to disclose to my aunt and uncle- or if I should even disclose anything at all.

I escaped living with my abusive parents and brother a while ago. My brother is the biggest threat out of them- he’s extremely aggressive, violent, prone to bouts of rage- etc. He was my primary abuser, and inflicted every kind of abuse on me.

Now I am living on campus at my college (in another state). But my aunt, uncle, and cousins have been asking when I will come back to visit them. I personally know the answer to that is “never”- but I don’t know how to tell them that.

My culture basically endorses child abuse- valuing preserving the “family” bonds at all costs, excusing your parents for whatever they do to you (including abuse)… etc. Given that cultural context… I think my uncle and aunt would side with my parents. But once again, I have no proof.

I am no-contact with my brother and low-contact with my parents. I am especially afraid to say anything negative about my brother to the extended family. If he somehow found out I told anyone what he did, there’s a very real possibility he might try to find me and kill me. He’s very mentally unstable and aggressive and violent.

The most difficult people for me to leave behind were my younger cousins. They were basically like my younger siblings. We were super close. They’re both 13 now (twins). They always seemed to adore me. I don’t want to be the cousin who disappeared and went to college and doesn’t seem to care about them anymore.

I have a dissociative disorder and pretty severe memory loss. I’ve really forgetten a lot of info about who they are, since it’s been so long since I last saw them. If I wait another year… maybe I won’t even remember they exist. Should I just block them, and let myself forget?

My cousins wanted to come visit me on campus during thanksgiving, but I didn’t feel safe agreeing. It’s likely that my aunt and uncle would have a lot of questions for me, like “why haven’t you come home in 1.5 years?” I don’t know how to answer that.

Another issue is that I’m trans. These people don’t know. I don’t feel safe telling them (my parents are transphobic and my family is pretty conservative in general). I’m not really super excited by the prospect of getting misgendered by my aunt, uncle, and cousins if we ever do meet.

But maybe the strongest reason for my suspicions and doubts is that throughout my childhood, my aunt and uncle seemingly never picked up on the abuse. Maybe they are just that oblivious… or maybe they did notice, but didn’t care or didn’t say anything. I don’t know.

Any advice for me? Does anyone else have extended family they left behind/ left in the dark when they went no contact? Particularly younger siblings that you cared about? What did you end up doing? I need to choose wisely.