Disclaimer: I am in therapy!

For some context, I tend to lean towards hyper-independence, and fending for myself. Pretty much no one has ever been around to support me or help me- it’s always just been me. I’m basically the poster child of “self-reliance”. This seems to be tied to masculinity for me too (I identify as transmasc). But it’s not exactly that I don’t ask for help because I want to be manly or something- it’s because no one has ever helped me, and usually when I ask for help, they hurt me worse.

It’s gotten so severe that nowadays even asking someone for help makes me very upset, basically have a mental breakdown, and very suicidal. Out of fear of provoking a ptsd response for myself by asking for help, I just lean into the hyper-independence even more. Besides- most of the people in my life seem to lack empathy/ are not trauma informed. So the chances of them responding invalidatingly or with toxic positivity are stupidly high.

I’m on the verge of a constant mental breakdown from my self reliance. But at the same time, who the fuck am I going to ask for help or support? And how the fuck am I supposed to ask without triggering myself worse?

I can’t afford to rely on anyone or make myself vulnerable to anyone. At the same time, at this point I feel like if I continue this way- with my hyper independence and extreme self reliance- I’ll end up in a mental hospital in a few weeks.

Any advice on how to slowly start reversing my hyper independence/ reaching out for help without triggering myself worse? Or advice on how to determine who to ask for help? I have trouble distinguishing friends who genuinely care about me and want to help from my more toxic or abusive ones who don’t give a shit. Or if anyone has any thoughts for me on the toxic masculinity component of only relying on myself- I seem to have internalized it so deeply that I can’t unlearn it.