Life expects it. Making this post is cathartic in itself but I would like to release some of this energy and maybe someone feels less alone reading this. I finally got away from my abusive living situation with my parents in August of 2020, and had the opportunity to move in with my partner about 500 miles south. Since I was a child, I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by my mother and stepfather until the day I moved out of the house. The next six months were a celebration of freedom for me but when the excitement wore off, the CPTSD symptoms started. Thankfully, I was able to get help with medication and therapy, and dedicated all my energy to healing and recovering from the abuse that I had faced. One of the biggest motivators was to feel “healed” enough to return back to work as I had been fired from my job because of the pandemic. I worked as a server and bartender and my job was highly stressful and before losing my job; I would have panic attacks almost daily at work. Yesterday, I was excited to start a new chapter and work alongside my partner as a Production Assistant on a small film shoot happening today, and they would show me the ropes. Unfortunately, the perfect storm of situations happened and I had the biggest and scariest flashback “trance” states I’ve been in, in months and was unable to go to work. Feeling completely ashamed and scared my partner and roommate in the process. I’m so fearful of the future. I have absolutely no money because I have panic attacks and vomit with every process of looking for a job and no idea how I will continue to pay my rent. I’m so terrified of having to go back to my parents house and grovel to them and continue to be abused. I was so ready to get back to work but it felt like my body had completely taken over and in a full trance where I tried to grab at anything I could to hurt myself. I thought I was more healed. I wish I had the funds to continue to work on myself and not subject myself to these violent panic attacks. It so frustrating but I know it just takes time, I feel as if my body and mind are all working against each other. If anyone has any resources or any advice on ways to make money that are fairly low stress with someone who does not have a college degree or skills other than working in restaurants for 7 years please let me know, I’m dead broke and so depressed.