I have finally realised that deep down my trauma has made me think I am Unlovable and it still affects me to this day Even when I have friends and have a best friend who see the best in me, many have stayed with me for so long even got stronger through the pandemic But that nagging feeling of I am Unlovable which has made me to idealised people who don't pay attention to me to dating but never committing, saying Yes to the wrong people and identifying as "slutty" (I'm a Gay Male with daddy issues) to be with random people risking my own health. It even creates a huge wall where people who give me praise and compliments Pushes them out and make me feel I tricked someone

It feel both relieving but hollowing to give a label for this feeling