I was raised strictly Christian. My dad was an twisted conspiratorial christian protestant who often talked on the number of the devil to be in microchips and the whole world in Evil except him despite physical and emotionally abusing me

I have learned so much more of the world and learned how fascinating it is and that religion is entirely created by Men (mostly men) and learned the history of religion. I even learned how the rapture has been predicted multiple times and never worked and people just grab any world events that are nowhere near related to christianity to fit there needs

But I cannot escape the fear my dad installed in me and feel always what if I am wrong what if he was right (which connects me to the abuse and how I am a bad son etc) triggering both a fight and fawn response whenever i see preachers or conspiracy theorists No amount of rationality or reason helps me this way