TW: unconventional self-harm (?), dubious/ unhealthy coping mechanisms, isolation, poor eating habits, suicidal ideation

When I’m in this state, a few of the things I do include:

-isolating myself to an extreme degree and cutting myself off from everyone around me.

-refusing to ask for help/ actively resisting anyone’s attempts to help me- even if I can’t handle things on my own

-ditching class and missing assignments on purpose

-neglecting myself (not eating well, avoiding doctor’s appointments, etc.)

Cognitively, I know these behaviors aren’t good for me. But it feels like there’s a piece of me that doesn’t want to get better. Or perhaps more accurately, there’s a piece of me that wants to get worse and worse. I don’t understand why. I wonder if this is tied to my suicidal ideation?

I’ve been alone for a very long time, and have no one in my life who loves me or cares for me or is kind to me. The only positive role model in my life ditched me a few months back. Ever since, a part of me has been telling myself, “Everyone else has given up on me- the whole world has given up on me- so I’m going to give up on myself, too.”

Other people hurt me enough. Why am I punishing myself on top of this?

I feel the darkness inside of me growing stronger day by day. I feel drawn to it. It makes me feel powerful and free, oddly enough. But maybe that same darkness is going to swallow me.