Hey everybody, Fourth of July of course spawned my very first post to this subreddit! I’m a couple months into therapy and medication which is going very well but I haven’t been able to wrangle the most embarrassing behavior I have developed which is just straight up shutting down and going into what I am assuming to be a dissociative state or full panic attack in loud, chaotic public situations.

I love my partners parents but they have a habit of not making concrete plans and expecting me to essentially make all the decisions during our times out & coupled with unavoidable triggers all day & and very low social battery I couldn’t keep it together today and everyone saw me unravel and just turn into a huge jerk. I don’t even have the energy to engage in conversation, give eye contact or be fun and I feel like this is not fair to them at all.

I’m getting better at making boundaries and saying no when I know it will be too much for me but I’ve addressed this before and even have asked my bf to take the lead and help me out when I get overwhelmed & I end back up in the same situations with the same guilt afterwards.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed when people see me bursting into tears or having tics because I’m suppressing a panic attack seemingly (to them) randomly. I don’t want pity, attention, or special treatment; I just want my future in laws to know I’m not just being a jerk or ungrateful for our outings together. I can go from warm & engaging to weird & cold within seconds and it feels unfair to them and incredibly emotionally draining for me.

Maybe someone can relate or give me some insight to this feeling? :(