TW: dubious/inadequate boundaries, power dynamics, abandonment, brief mention of suicidal ideation/ poor eating habits

A professor I really liked and trusted cut communication with me about a month ago, and I’ve been really struggling to process it. He wasn’t abusive, as far as I know. But what he did really fucked me up, in all honesty. I’ve been struggling to talk about it because of how much it triggered me, but I decided to try making a post here in the hopes of finding at least a little peace of mind.

Over quarantine, back in spring 2020, I was trapped with my abusers. My dissociation level skyrocketed, and my grades/ academic performance really plummeted. I think this professor picked up on it to some extent. He offered himself to me, in his words, as “a supportive person who was willing to listen”. I was really resistant at first, because I always avoid asking for support or help from anyone, and also avoid divulging any personal information about myself at all costs. But eventually, I gave in and reached out to him. I had known him for a year, and he had always been a warm, funny, and genuinely kind individual. Plus, I was losing my mind. I was living with my abusers and had no one safe or trustworthy in my life at all. All my friends stopped texting me back and seemingly vanished into thin air. I was becoming more and more dissociated and suicidal as the months went on. If I hadn’t reached out to him, frankly, I’m not confident that I would still be alive.

Over quarantine and beyond, I met with this professor a lot, just to talk with him. It wasn’t anything sketchy or weird- we’d just discuss daily happenings, hobbies, class, the pandemic, etc. He also invited me to share information about my situation/ mental health with him, expressing a desire to support me. …I think that is where things got kind of messy.

I find it really hard to trust anyone with personal info about myself- but this professor really put in the time and effort to make himself available to me, to consistently be kind and supportive to me, and to earn my trust- something I really do not give away freely. So I did tell him some information about myself and my struggles. Nothing explicit- I have a tendency to under-share, if anything. But I did, for instance, tell him my family aren’t good people, as well as a bit about my struggles with my dissociative disorder (blanking out, losing time, etc.)

He’d sometimes respond kind of well- but sometimes his responses would actually be rather hurtful to me. In hindsight, I think he’d sometimes go the toxic positivity route- “I’m sure everyone’s having a hard time right now!” Yes, professor- but not everyone has CPTSD. Overall, I still really liked him and his company- and I knew he wasn’t a bad person. So I actually told him directly that some of his responses to me were rather hurtful. I did so in a very meek, submissive, and fawning manner. He actually thanked me for my criticism. He ALSO insisted that I don’t need to sugarcoat criticism for him, or give him a “compliment sandwich”. He reassured me that he could take harsher criticism from me. I believed him.

So a few months later- the next time he said some hurtful, invalidating things to me- I didn’t fawn. I was pretty blunt and harsh in articulating my hurt to him, but not abusive or cruel. He seemed taken aback by the bluntness of my words, but apologized to me. He suggested that we only stick to discussing course material for the time being. I was still in his class at the time, so I figured he probably wanted some time to process what I had told him, and to let some of the tension subside. Over time, his tone became more and more friendly towards me, so I assumed that everything was back to normal.

But a month later, I reached out to him to ask about resuming communication, and he actually set a boundary of not wanting to speak with me at all anymore, unless it was relevant to his field of study. I was horrified by his intention to completely withdraw himself from my life. Especially since he framed this boundary as something he had decided would be in MY best interest. I tried to explain that I didn’t want or need to end contact with him, but he ignored everything I said and responded with extremely cold, evasive messages. He then said that he had no interest in engaging with students while he’s on sabbatical (this is a lie, he spoke to my classmate just a few days ago) and told me to keep up appearances if we ever crossed paths. He told me he really cared about me, but didn’t feel equipped to support me. I suggested setting stronger boundaries around discussion of traumatic content, but he said he didn’t feel qualified to have even a casual conversation with me. He didn’t explicitly say this… but his messages really heavily implied that he felt I was too mentally unstable for him to interact with anymore. He also made it sound like I had been demanding inappropriate psychological support from him- but this wasn’t true at all. I simply trusted him enough to accept the support he explicitly offered me himself. But if he tells everyone I’m crazy, no one will believe me, since I’m just a student.

I proceeded to have a pretty long, intense mental breakdown. I dissociated so badly that I almost completely stopped eating for about a week. A month has passed and I still don’t think I’ve recovered mentally.

This professor had become a mentor to me. I was really fond of him and liked and trusted him a lot. It was really devastating to have him suddenly extract himself from my life like this. My friends would joke about how obvious it was that I was his favorite student. I’d go to his office hours pretty often just to talk to him. I’d been in classes with him for two years. He was always really kind to me, and would joke with me a lot, and only ever showed me warmth- which made the cold, evasive, emotionally-detached manner in which he cut contact with me even more jarring for me. I couldn’t stop blaming myself, and feeling like I must have done something to deserve this cruelty. Especially since no other students have had issues with him- it’s only me. He also had made an effort to become quite close to me, and to become involved in my life. He even attended the play I acted in this year. Now a lot of the hobbies and things I loved have become triggers for me, because they remind me of him.

In hindsight, it kind of felt like he had no boundaries in place (on his end) at all, in his interactions with me. Sometimes, I… think he might have actually pushed my boundaries a bit, regarding what I was comfortable sharing with him. He would repeatedly invite me to share anything at all with him. I trusted him with quite a bit of heavy, personal information. I feel really ashamed of myself for trusting him, and frankly, I feel violated, too.

I also am unable to talk to a lot of people about this, because he’s a universally well-liked professor. Everyone loves him. No one would believe me. If I even try to say something slightly critical about this professor, I get gaslit by my peers.

I didn’t have any other supportive adults in my life to begin with. Now I have none. He knew this. I’m really struggling not to backslide into my usual habits of hyper independence, extreme isolation, and distancing myself from others- but this situation was such a bad trigger that I’ve cut myself off from everyone around me as a consequence. I’m terrified to get attached to anyone because they’ll just leave me next. Even this professor’s name and field of study have become a CPTSD trigger for me now. I’m not confident that I’ll be able to finish my coursework in his field.

My therapist (and several friends) who I described these events to all insist that I’ve done nothing wrong, and that clearly something is wrong with this professor. But I can’t bring myself to believe them.