As far back as I can remember, I've never been able to truly let loose and just be myself around my family. Like during the brief period of time as a child when I actually had friends. If I'd had a friend over the house and we were talking with each other, if a family member entered the room as well, I'd just lose interest in speaking at all and get uncomfortable and quiet until they either left the room or I'd insist we leave. Like I didn't want my family members seeing me having fun, talking freely about myself and just goofing around and being my real genuine self. Over the years I've even refrained from doing things that I've wanted because of them. Yet I feel like I don't truly care what they think of me, it's not like I'm afraid or anything, so I don't know what my deal is? They'd ridiculed everything about me for as long as I could remember and after a while I just became numb to it. Maybe it just boils down to me not even wanting to deal with them, not having the energy to, and not wanting my existance to be acknowledged in any way possible. Like another example, I've had a tattoo for years that I never showed/told family about until recently I showed one brother, who asked what my parents thought and I told him they didn't know about it. He was shocked, and I'm sure makes me look like an insecure fucking fool. Is this strange behavior caused by how they treated me? I also grew up watching my dad be an overly controlling psycho toward my mom which may have played a part. My mom used to violate my boundaries constantly too, one example was by going through my diaries when I was like 8 and making fun of me in front of my family telling them about what she'd read. Or sometimes I'd come home from school to find my bedroom completely cleaned out, everything rifled through, meaningful things to me (sketchbooks, art I'd made) in the trash, belongings thrown away. Honestly it just makes me feelike such a wuss. Why am I so sensitive? Why couldn't I just have been able to grow a thicker skin? Why am I insecure with no self-esteem?