I feel so incredibly burned out nowadays from all the trauma work. I realized I’ve been forcing myself to work and work on mental illness nonstop for the past two years, and it almost feels like punishment to me at this point. The flashbacks are constant, my mental health is dubious, my living situation/ environment is not really the most safe or stable, and the pandemic isn’t helping with my general stress baseline. I’ve been really struggling with isolation from others and a lack of a support system too.

My awesome therapist who knows me super well and who I trust greatly will be back from maternity leave in a month. Her replacement really hasn’t been able to connect with me, so I actually decided it might be best to simply wait for her to get back.

Part of me doesn’t trust myself and is saying “oh but I’m fucking crazy and need a second pair of eyes on me at all times.” But another part is saying, “I’ve been doing so much good work, but I’m so exhausted.” I’ve spent so much time looking back into the past and addressing trauma and triggers that I never even took the time to live my life in the present. I’m not even living, just working and working to the point of burnout, in a zombie like state. I’m starting to realize that maybe my constant trauma work with no breaks, especially in the pandemic, and over the course of so many years, may actually be harming me. No wonder it’s felt like my progress is stalling. It feels to me like this constant work and lack of breaks ties into my trauma and cptsd too- my need to be high-functioning and constantly working, and pushing myself beyond my limits, and forcing myself to keep going. It almost feels like I use work as a form of self-harm.

My temporary replacement therapist also approved of my plan, so I’m taking a difficult but hopefully helpful decision, and going to take a break from trauma processing in the hopes of trying to take some of the pressure off of myself. I think I’ll continue to post here, and to check in with the replacement therapist if anything urgent pops up. But besides that, I think I’m going to just try and exist- at least for this month, since I’ve never even given myself the chance to do this. Here goes- wish me luck!