(Quick disclaimer: I am currently in therapy!)

My trauma is leaking out. Although I am constantly working on self-improvement and healthy behaviors, and have been getting much better with boundaries and communication, I feel like I’m simply not meant to exist in the world as I am. Like there’s something seriously wrong with me. Like I don’t belong here, and there is no place for me, nor will there ever be. I can’t force myself to plaster on a smile or act like I’m always fine and happy and normal anymore. I used to- and back when I could perform successfully, I had so many friends. No one wants a broken person around- this much has become abundantly clear to me.

No one can handle me. Even though I tend to really heavily veer on the secretive side, and always avoid disclosing explicit traumatic information, etc., I feel like the very act of my existence is a burden on the world. So many friends have left me and I feel like the only common variable here could be me- that there is an inherent, glaring flaw in me as a person. The moment people see a hint of my brokenness- although my behavior isn’t abusive, and I always strive to be as kind and reasonable and empathetic as I possibly can- they discard me.

I haven’t received unconditional love or support or kindness in my entire life, and I’ve been holding out hope for it for a long time, but the hope seems futile after these twenty long years. I wish I was a better person because then maybe people wouldn’t always leave me. I wish I was good enough for people to stay. I know I can survive being alone, because I have been doing so for so long. But it’s really breaking me inside. I’m starting to get the feeling that no matter what I do, I’ll never be a good enough person. Or kind enough, or worthy of love.

Everyone I get close to leaves me. There must be a reason. My therapists say that I’m not a bad person but I don’t believe them. I can’t help feeling that if only I was better- if only I could be good enough- maybe people wouldn’t go.

I thought I was stoic and independent and old and hardened enough- but I’m not. Deep down, all I want is for someone, anyone to stay. My biggest fear as a child was being alone. But my life is a living nightmare, and I’ve been in prolonged isolation for so long. Everyone keeps leaving me, because there is no redeeming quality or value that they see in me that could make them want to stay.