I recently came to an important, but rather disturbing realization: in my view, kindness is always conditional. I don’t believe that the world owes me kindness just by virtue of my being alive. After all, I... never really consistently or unconditionally received any kindness, for most of my life.

When someone tries to be kind to me now, it feels like a debt. Any sliver of kindness I receive now feels like a huge favor or act of generosity on the part of the other person, because I see no value in myself, and therefore do not feel that I deserve their kindness.

Fawn response tells me that any kindness directed at me is a debt I can never repay, and that if someone is kind to me, I “owe” them, and I should therefore be willing to do anything they want in return. This is a terrifying thought to put into words.

Does anyone else struggle with a similar view of kindness?