I just had an epiphany that whenever anyone says anything kind or expresses that they care about me, I will literally shut off my hearing and tune them out for a moment. Or let the words float past me and intentionally dissociate to avoid processing them.

I realized that this is because my innate tendency is to assume people are always lying to me. I can always come up with some alternate explanation for why they said or did something kind. “Maybe they’re just a kind person and did this out of extreme pity because I’m so pathetic.” “Maybe they’re lying to me to try and get me to let my guard so they can hurt me more easily later.” “Maybe I somehow managed to emotionally manipulate/ trick this person into offering me help”

I talk myself out of the idea that anyone could ever genuinely care for me or want to help me. I think the idea that anyone could ever genuinely care about me is honestly much more painful to me than the idea of no one caring.

There’s a few specific examples I can think of. Recently, a friend offered to let me stay with her and her family over winter break when I admitted that I have nowhere to go (my college is kicking everyone out over the break because of COVID). My therapist kept pointing out green flags/ signs that the friend’s offer was genuine, but I kept assuming that I had somehow tricked/ pressured her into offering me a place to stay, because there’s no way anyone could care about me enough to genuinely want to help me, of their own free will.

Can anyone relate?