I’m very emotionally/ cognitively self-reliant nowadays. I had to become this way to survive. But it’s draining to make myself so completely alone. At the end of the day there is nobody I trust even close to as much as I trust myself. The isolation is my choice but it’s a lonely one. I wish I had someone. Nothing romantic, I mean all of this in a platonic, practical sense. I wish someone could take care of me so I could finally let my guard down the slightest little fraction. Even if it was just for, like, 20 seconds. If they could just take hold of the reins for even a minute. I never ask for much. I never really ask for anything. Maybe because I don’t feel like I deserve anything.

My parents never protected me when they should have. No one was ever there for me, except myself. I’m all I have. I don’t know of anyone in my life who I believe genuinely cares about me, or who I’d trust enough to allow to support me anyways.

When I was 14, I swore that if no one could protect me, I’d protect not only myself but also anyone else who needed me. Since then, I’ve put my all into my role as a protector or savior, for better or for worse. I am a lone wolf of my own making. My “strength” is all I have. I am repulsed by the thought of ever showing the slightest weakness, consciously at least. But some small unconscious part of my brain wishes I had someone to protect me when I cannot protect myself, to sit beside me when I can’t fall asleep. I can’t show weakness. But I don’t know if I can really survive like this. It’s safer, sure, but something is missing.