Edited to add: I'm not looking for advice or analysis. I am looking for connection with others about the impact this is having on me. I'm sharing this to be seen and witnessed, not for advice. I will discern how to respond to the situation on my own, following my inner wisdom as it emerges. I find it easier to connect with that inner wisdom when I am seen for my experience by others...or myself.

I got a letter from my aunt a good handful of days ago. I haven't spoken with her in any real way in about ten years. I lived with her for one year when I was in 7th grade, and although she was my favorite aunt before then, that year was really damaging to our relationship.

In the past when I expressed to her why some of the things she did when I lived with her were painful to me, she still defended her actions.

I have thought about reaching out to her a lot over the years. I made moves toward finding a therapist or mediator who might help us talk, but never got to the point of actually contacting her about it.

She recently sent me some birthday money with a very short note in a card, all superficial.

Then a couple months later I saw a longer letter from her. I was nervous and didn't read it until tonight.

She asked me to forgive her for a bunch of things she did. She acknowledged that a specific thing she did caused me "huge emotional trauma." She acknowledged that she prevented me from socializing with friends. She asked me to forgive her for being emotionally walled off.

I started wailing after I read it. I was so surprised. It seems like an apology, although she didn't say "I'm sorry" (I wouldn't have wanted her to).

But I'm also afraid it's manipulation. Because, y know, c-PTSD brain.

But it seems sincere and is more acknowledgment than anyone else in my family has ever given me for what I went through as a kid. And she was one of the lesser contributors, and did a lot to try to help me too.

I want to talk to someone but all my friends are sleeping.