I really have no idea what goes on in my brain sometimes. I felt fine all day, all day nothing was wrong didn't get triggered. I've been fine for awhile but for some reason right when I go to bed I get this intense feeling of worthlessness.

Like no one truly cares about me or loves me. So now I can't sleep and need to be up for work in the morning.

This just fucking sucks. I cut contact with my mom months ago and it's one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself. But getting a toxic person out of your life won't change the abuse they caused you and it's still something you have to work through. And that fucking sucks because even if you think you're doing better you may just have moments where all of this pain of not being a worthy enough kid comes flooding in. Not feeling like enough for your parent to give a shit over some shit ass man who then also abuses you. And this all happened over a decade ago but you carry it around like a 40 lb backpack. And you like to load more weight into that backpack by not letting anyone to close to you because you know you're not worthy of their love, and even if you were they'd never honestly give it to you. Everyone wants something.

So you have your guard up no matter who the person is and how much they care about you because you're always anticipating the next time someone is going to hurt you.

And this ladies and gents is my insomniac brain making me feel like a piece of shit.