TW: CSA and mentions and suicidal ideation

I (M18) have little to no memories of my childhood. I may have a grand total of about 20 memories total before the age of 10. Most memories aren’t good but two of them in particular stand out to me. I remember my dad would bathe me and I would hate it. I remember the moments leading up to him taking me to the bathroom and I would be crying and not want to take a bath with him, then my memory goes blank. I remember after the bath I would be crying and crying and telling my mom I don’t wanna take baths with him anymore. I wasn’t a fussy child. I liked baths. But only when my mom did them for me. The second memory is of when my dad would “kiss me”. He would hold me down and force me and kiss me and he would always use his tongue and force it in my mouth and it would always be so nasty and wet. He basically forcibly made out with me. Anyways fast forward maybe a year or two (11-12), I discover porn for the first time and get basically addicted to it. A few years after that (13-14) I start doing inappropriate stuff with much older men online on websites like Omegle. Then (at 14-15) I start using apps to find and hookup with much older men in real life. I always did stuff like that. Stuff I should’ve have been doing. Stuff I was way too young to do let alone even know about. I was unoffically “diagnosed” with hypersexuality by my school psychologist (16). My whole life I’ve struggled with sex and sexuality. I remeber around the same time my dad would “bathe” me I would cry myself to sleep begging god to take me already. I don’t know why I would do that or if it’s connected to the bath stuff at all.

Whenever I think about it I feel crazy. I always would hate taking baths with him but my older brother or mother never really said or did anything. I always hated when he would “kiss” me and I would cry and scream and kick and fight but no one ever said or did anything. It makes me feel crazy because everyone in my house acted like it was normal and no one helped me.

I know for a fact that the kissing stuff is real and not my imagination. I know Becuase he even brings it up sometimes - smiling - almost like he’s taunting me.

Basically, my question is. Was it real? Was I assaulted in that bathroom? Is there anyway to recover my memories and find out the truth? Was I actually ever assaulted. I feel crazy whenever I think about it.

Expanding on the part of struggling with my sexuality. In recent years. I have been getting into more extreme stuff. I mean exhibitionism, degradation, etc. in the past year, as I’ve been confronting my past, things like cnc and extreme masochism have been bubbling in my mind. I know it’s wrong but I want someone to do something really bad to me. I want to be hurt and degraded in such a way that idk, just feel it. In the moment it feels good to think about but afterwards I know it’s wrong.

When u get these feelings, or think about what happened to me, I just start itching. I’m not ever actually itchy, but I just start scratching. I don’t know why.

Are these extreme feelings a reaction to my experiences?

What really scares me is the possibility that my mind truly is making it all up. I tend to avoid accountability. Is my hypersexuality my own fault? Am I making things up to blame it on so I don’t have to fully feel the shame of my actions?

All I need is some guidance before I try to find a way to find real professional help.

FYI, I no king think about suicide or self harm, so please don’t worry. I’m on a journey of healing and all I need is some guidance before taking my next steps. Thank you for reading this far.