I just don’t really enjoy anything about life. I don’t think I really have any place on the planet, and I think over the past year or so I’ve realised that you could give me a billion dollars and a hundred years, and nothing about my life would change cause there’s fuck all I actually want to do with even the money and time I already have.

Guess the breaking point is that I’m just so fucking tired of feeling so completely alone. But the thing is, doesn’t really matter how many friends I try to make, or girls I try to date or whatever, I just end up feeling more alone when I’m around other people. Only been one person who didn’t make me feel that way, and she rejected me anyway and then I completely fucked up whatever was left of our friendship and now she has completely shut me out for the past 3 years.

I dunno, I’ve tried after her to find other people or find things I actually enjoy about living, but there just isn’t fucking anything. All I can even seem to do is obsessively diet and work out trying to meet a physical standard that doesn’t even fucking matter because the girl it’s for will never even see me again. And I don’t give a shit about it for any other reason really, it’s just something I feel like I have to do now cause I get crippling fucking anxiety if I don’t go cause I feel like I’ll miss out on her, even though the anxiety is fucking ridiculous cause I already have missed out, and no amount of working out will change that.

I dunno, I think I’m just gonna get blackout drunk on NYE and accept that 2025 is gonna be the last year I’m here for, and I kinda doubt I’ll see much of it.