Title says most of it:

I've been in many many committed relationships in my relatively short time on this earth. That's likely due to the fact that I'm quick to commit and show displays of commitment to people. I've spent years trying to find a sense of belonging, a sense of affection, and to feel wanted.

It didn't end up that way, it ended up with me acting like a parent to my partner(s). We often say we show love in the way we wish we could be loved and that's how I lived. When my partners would fail to show up for me; I would soothe them and try and be constructive. When I would think about the ways they made my life uncomfortable; I would tell myself that my comfort was second to my ability to prioritize their wellbeing. When they said they were hurt, I would do whatever I could to help even at detriment to my own wellbeing.

One of my biggest recent breakthroughs is that all of this stems from a deep longing to feel parented. To feel like I am worthy of unconditional love. To feel as though my utility isnt my only value and my personhood or feelings can't be easily thrown away.

Through trying to reparent myself; I look at the amount of time I spent parenting others who weren't even my original traumatizers. I parented people the same way my parents forced me to show up for them because all I wanted was what they never gave me. And still, I never got it.

I promised the younger version of me; crying alone in his room. That if we just survived and got out we'd find him a family. That we would give him the love he knew was possible. That he could be wanted in ways he dreamt of.

I feel like I broke that promise to him. I feel like I fed that little boy a falsehood to keep him alive. I wake up each day knowing there isn't ever a chance of being parented or finding those who will care for me in the meaningful and deep ways I had. And I can't even confront my traumtizers because they all decided to skip town or die.

I don't know how I'm supposed to keep living in the shattering of that hope. I don't know how I'm supposed to leave the house knowing that the one thing I could promise to that young man to keep him going is the very thing he'll never have.