I'm so confused mentally in my mind. I feel gay but I don't act out. I had experiences that made me sort of gay growing up being touched by another kid in the inner leg and him being in my personal space all the time and always trauma dumping on me and me being a mentor sort of for him growing up giving him advice and helping him sort of being a parent not really. If anyone was to step in my mind they would see the damage how bad it is and how broken I am because of it. At this point I just wanna be abused in anyway so I can feel some sort of love. I don't feel love at all not from my family not from anyone really so that's why I can give it back. I feel empty, broken, a void huge void in my life. I was raised Christian (apostolic) and I was bullied in the church and in everywhere (my sister used to force me to do stuff for her by threatening to spit on my face probably forced me to help her please herself I don't remember much of that.) she used to make me get stuff for her and she used to black mail me in a sense of it I don't do something for her she would threaten to spit on me what it felt like. Always had spit on her mouth ready to gross me out. I remember her wanting me to help her touch her but she says I did it even though I remember her saying to do it. My family is all messed up. Im not a good cookie either you look at my post history me doing stuff to my cousin and sister I'm not even better. Of course I regret everything I ever did. I remember being like 10 or 11 Omegle and people saying are you horny I thought they meant they had horns and I think I seen stuff like older adults. I might have been groomed alot online and never remembered it. Idk. Everything is so confusing and fuzzy.