It's just a lot of my childhood was blocked by my brain. I grew up being destructive and sexually bad behavior. I never did drugs or alcohol (too afraid of my mom so I guess that's a plus.) mostly I was afraid of my mom alot. My mom never was a parent for me yeah she fed me and bathed me and stuff but the part of being a parent a kid needs when he's emotionally fucked up she never was there. I feel like my whole life is a lie and my mind is doubting itself if I really did go through childhood abuse. Growing up poor and barely able to get things didn't helped. Going to school being bullied by everyone that or being isolated by my peers and made fun of. At church being isolated by the other kids and making me feel like I'm just a problem. Fucking day cares emotionally abused me too and psychologically. They joined in on making fun of me crying. Hell even the daycare lady made fun of me too. All the kids did as well. Probably even abused sexually in some way by my step father I don't know yet. That memory is very foggy and uncertain. I don't feel much anymore because my emotions been bottled up so much I feel numb. I thought of suicide alot lately because of memories of what I did as a kid growing up with siblings. I got out into a psych hospital for a week and was on detention in the ER because of suicidal ideations. I just feel like I was born diseased.