I really realized I was fucked up mentally ever since I came out of my mom's belly. I was then ADHD diagnosed and was a rowdy kid (they blamed it on ADHD.) drawing inappropriate pictures or threatening to kill people or cut their heads off because the voices told me to. I was then psychologically abused by my older cousin who was probably 17 or 18 at the time or idk what she she was. I went through my life abusing my cousin and my sister the worst way (lord i wish I never did that.) I was 10 with my cousin and 12 with my sister. I was never really given a parent who would notice my behavior was bad and correct it. I was whipped for acting out yeah but no fucking love from my mom NONE my dad was there on the weekends (I think he kinda passive parented me.) I held this guilt for 13 years most of my life and shame. I hate myself so much I want to be raped. I want someone to call me and cry with me. I want love. I want healing I want to be loved so much. I never was loved in my entire life and never had any friends. I'm crying as I type this. I mentally torture myself daily for what I did at those ages. It gotten so bad I went to the hospital for suicidal ideation and almost committing to a plan. I was going to go in a forest and somehow off myself without anyone knowing. I feel so damn wasted piece of shit. I think my life is just causing harm to people by just existing. I wish I can take everyone's depression and pain away and I would bear it. This is my soul crying into this message. I'm sorry truly deeply for everything Internet, life, I am so fucked up I might go back to the mental hospital again for longer this time.