i’m currently living a harmful environment. my grandma is mentally ill but hides it so well it shows through her lack of self awareness. my uncle stays with us and he’s an alcoholic and looks like the life is taken out of him. i think there’s codependency like my grandma babies him then will get mad if he’s still drinking instead of being real and firm and telling him he needs to get some help but with me i get harshness and nagging and not questioned if my mental health is okay. im figuring so much out for myself i don’t have anyone to lean. i can’t even trust my grandma to tell her my needs because it feels like she don’t care to do right thing for her son. like i need support and i feel i can’t go to any other family members and if i be honest because my grandma likes to make herself look good and i feel if i tell her i need support from other ppl she may sabotage it. i have a therapist but i don’t have anyone to lean on and this environment is just harmful. i don’t drive so i can’t go anywhere and i think ive dissociated to the point i don’t think it would safe for me to. is it wrong i just want to be protected? that im scared for myself. i don’t feel i’m as heard. my family in this house isn’t healthy for me and it hurts to be around their hurt and i can’t fake how i feel. i have these bad thoughts like im waiting for someone to die because it feels like death and the lack of color and life that’s not here. i’m trying to get in the works of working for myself and i feel confident in that and my creativity but i know i also would have to ask for help and there’s the fear of my grandma possibly sabotaging my need for help. i don’t need permission to start but i’m human and need help being uplifted. i’ve grieved for my family and being here i still am but its time i stop because it’s getting in my way. i don’t know what look like as i’ve been peeling layers of myself but that it’s authenticity trying to make its way and it makes me feel like a scared little girl. i don’t know what i look like because i see the people around not having a sense of self/identity. it’s like they choose dishonest harmony over honest conflict