I’ve been really struggling with the fact that I’m almost 22 and my longest friendship is less than three years old. I’ve had so many friend breakups. So many bad friendships. So many traumatic relationships. From the ages of 5-17 I was in a constant dysregulaged traumatized state, was constantly in abusive relationships and had zero vetting process when it came to friends.

I feel so much shame for all that’s happened. I know I’ve played a part but the pattern is the most triggering aspect. I know I didn’t deserve or cause a lot of what’s happened. It sucks to feel like no matter what I say, people will always assume I’m at fault or i’m the common denominator. I feel like broken goods that will permanently be perceived as such.

Today a good friend of mine who grew up without experiencing so many compounding traumas, asked if I had friends from highschool to which I said no. She then asked more questions and I tried to quickly explain I was a traumatized kid who didn’t know myself enough to pick good friends and that I was in a school where I was the minority and badly bullied because of it. They didn’t express a lot of empathy and seemed almost uncomfy. I feel so rejected now and like they think somethings wrong with me. I feel like because I don’t have long standing friendships I’ll always be seen as some unknowable loser. I’m such a social person who deeply wants to feel connected and have lots of friends but I can’t befriend anyone after all I’ve been through. It’s hard to find safe, trauma informed, kind and introspective people.

I’m just scared I’ll always be seen as damaged and that I’ll always be playing catch up. I don’t know how to summarize my past to people without sounding like a total pathetic loser. I don’t even know how to frame it or how to come to terms with it. I deeply do not want it to be a part of my story but it is.