I don't understand myself and why I am drawn to kink, but I've tried to piece it together.

I was spanked by my angry religious parents from ages 1-4ish. It was not sexual in any way, and they tried to make sure I knew they were "doing it because they loved me". But they were very angry all the time when I was a kid, so I felt their anger when they spanked me, more than "love". They ended up being told to stop by the church because the church noticed I was showing signs of trauma I think (I know they were extremely guilty (still are) for spanking me.)

I was so young, and it stopped by the time I was 5. So why does this still affect me?

I don't even remember all the times because I was so young, but I remember one time I felt myself getting aroused. I didn't know what arousal was, but because I was in so much pain, I just tried to focus on the good arousal feeling to get through the spanking.

I don't think it ever happened again (the arousal), but even after the spankings stopped, I feel like all of my sexual dreams/thoughts became associated with more darker kinks. I feel like it doesn't make sense.

Why? I wasn't sexually abused? But I don't remember having a natural progression of a desire for vanilla sex. My arousal was always towards something degrading.

My mom tells me it only happened for a short time, it shouldn't affect me so much.

My therapists have asked if I was sexually abused, because I seem to exhibit a lot of symptoms- but my parents can't recall anything and neither can I. Only the spanking.

I feel like a failure because of these kinks. Like, I had a relatively good childhood, minus the religious trauma. Why am I like this? In moments of deep anguish and shame, I keep wishing I could be spanked or verbally/physically abused as a form of punishment but also in an act of redeeming myself.

I needed to get this out. Thank you for listening.