basically when the abuse was actively happening and i was crying/screaming, i’d hate my parents in my mind. tell myself i was never going to open up to them again, eat in front of them, etc, going to essentially grey rock them (didnt know the term at the time, but i remember thinking this multiple times over my childhood) and all i could think abt was how scared i was of them

but then the next day its like all of that was gone and my parents were ”nice” again and suddenly its like everything i felt about the abuse was gone. like i remembered it happening, but its like my emotions of the incident were so faraway

but then. whenever they’d scream at me or hit me again, its like all those emotions came rushing back, and suddenly i remembered every way they hurt me and id get physical flashbacks. i didnt even realise this until like a few months ago. it feels like that state of mind is like, the “abused me” if that makes sense. whereas im the “normal me”… i think abt all these specific incidents of abuse rn and i sorta feel like “well that was bad of them but yeah”

after they were abusive id also instinctively fawn (?) to them im realising too. id hug them and try to appease them and get anxious if they didnt hug me back even tho they were Literally Abusive

even worse, i actively remember deluding myself that my dad was the “good parent” and lying to my internet friends when i was 13 ish that he wasnt abusive even tho he hit me the most. i remember having a breakdown when it fully hit me that he Was abusive and terrible and that lovebombing me after his abuse didnt count as him being nice

anyways. its just scary how much your mind hides that stuff away and compartmentalises it when youre a kid in order for you to survive the abuse :( its a form of dissociation obviously and tbh i suspect i have some kind of dissociative disorder but. yeah :’) its so hard to think about how childhood abuse from the people meant to protect you the most messes you up for life. ppl dont seem to understand, they think youre victimising yourself or obsessing over trauma and to just “get over it”. wish i could ):