TLDR I have no place to begin therapy work. (I've been in therapy for 5 years without any clear way forward).

The following is why I think this is.

It's so hard to explain and express. But I can never work on becoming a healthier person, because my mind is in an infant like state.

It's not that in the past I needed a caregiver and I didn't have one and therfore I'm stuck. Nope.

Right now in the present as a 23 year old, I am a little child who has no caregiver and my mind can't function.

Let me share a little about how I can't function. -when I am around people, I fawn to the extreme and I lose all access to my feelings and my identity.

-when I am not around people I am extremely disinterested in life to an extreme point of going crazy that I exist. I am so lathargic and disinterested, but I'm disinterested in being disinterested too.

I'm frightened of God like a little child would be. Imagining scary stuff if I do the wrong things.

My sexuality is fucked up, I crave to breastfeed like a little baby and all my attraction/romanticism/sexuality is based on fantasy of finding someone that will hold me and give me the nurturing touch I need from a mommy figure.

Anything I do in the real world with real world consequences, like deciding what type of religion I believe in, or dating, or a job etc etc all feel completely foreign to me, to the point that getting a job, dating, being religous or irreligous all don't feel like something that is remotely something I can engage in. And when I do engage in it, it feels so foreign that it becomes completely dissociated to me that it feels like a different person is doing it. It takes away all the pleasure.

It also feels impossible to do because I can't get a job as a 3 year old. Neither can I date as a 3 year old. Or have kids as a 3 year old.

The biggest problem is, besides all the depersonalization and subsequent severe inability to do anything because everything feels disconnected to me which makes things feel impossible to do.......

......is that I can't even work on my trauama and emotional health and all my challenges. Because my brain is in a constant state of trauama mode and depersonalization.

In addition, I'm a super rational person and I have OCD about my mental illness and spend the entire day ruminating about what's wrong and why it's wrong, constantly coming up with different reasons/solutions/problems as to what's going with me.