We have this resource for abused women and I was there, in a very safe environment, talking.

I'm severely traumatised from childhood but my 19 year marriage also added to it, even though I refused to admit it to myself for a very long time.

I told her about the problem that I sometimes raise my voice due to losing control of my emotional response, for example when I'm cornered and scared and desperately want to get away from the situation but I'm not allowed to. Or just when I'm very frustrated from dealing with something completely unreasonable and not being heard. That maybe treatment for trauma can help improve that control so that it stops happening. That it's a big problem and probably part of why my son wants nothing to do with me, because he's been conditioned to think that everything that hurt him about the way he grew up can be allocated to hearing me raise my voice.

She started asking questions about it. Do you yell at the top of your lungs so that it hurts? No, I just raise my voice. Do you curse and scream that you'll kill someone? No, I just raise my voice. How often does this happen? I don't know, it depends on circumstances, maybe once or twice per month?

Then she asked me to illustrate, to raise my voice intentionally so that she can hear what it sounds like. And I panicked and broke down crying at the mere thought of doing that. I couldn't do it. I'm not allowed to. It's such an immense failure when it happens, I just wasn't able to do it intentionally. She just looked at me, told me that I definitely need treatment for trauma but not to stop raising my voice and that if anything, being able to do so when it's motivated is a good thing.

I don't usually get triggered like that so it was quite a shock, and I maintained high anxiety levels for the rest of the day. Sometimes I can't even see how my trauma affects me because I'm so used to it and then at other times, my brokenness and how much I have to work on becomes very apparent.

(She also looked at me at one point and sighed and said "I don't even know where to begin with you because there is so very much".)