Sigh… where to start. I’ll make is as SFW as possible, details out.

I’ve dealt with abuse (of all kinds, literally) and neglect all my life from my parents, but mostly my dad. I’ve never felt even remotely like I belonged in our “family” of 4. I’ve lived through a lot (won’t get into it to avoid triggering anyone), and about a year ago, I moved to another country. We still talked, my dad and I, and I was supposed to fly back for Christmas last year. But then trauma started to pour out of the tightly sealed box I had inside me, and the nightmares, flashbacks etc got really bad. Started trauma therapy and it was hard. At some point, I realized I didn’t want to go visit, and the only reason I was doing it was to please him and keep the family stability, as I’ve had to do all my life. So I didn’t go, and that meant a whole lot more problems, and me having to cut my family off for good. My mental health had been deteriorating since October ish last year, and by December I was a mess. Now, last week, I was finally starting to get back on my feet, and I got an email from my dad out of the blue with an apology. Well, a half assed, narcissistic “apology” - not a real, taking accountability one. And that floored me. I bawled when I read it, because of the guilt I felt and (along with other current issues I’m dealing with) that turned my already severe depression into flat out suicidal and fighting for my life every single day. Today I had a call with my doctor (for just a routine pain med checkup) and I broke down and cried and told him I couldn’t take it anymore and he said something really “interesting”. He asked me why or how someone who is all the way across the world still had so much power over me, that an email by him brought me to this severity of depression (it’s the second time it happens). He acknowledged and knows the stuff I’ve lived with my dad, he wasn’t like minimizing it. But it stuck with me.

I can understand feeling depressed or anxious or scared, but to this extent? And it’s only with him - not my mom or brother who have also been abusive (although not as much).

Any thoughts? Or ideas on where or how I can explore this aspect of my trauma to better understand it?