I met my parents today and we had an overall good time. They are considerably good people and they do want to consider themselves good parents, ignoring their past mistakes and acting all helpful and warm, like a normal family would…

My father kept purposefully swinging his arm forwards to deliver stronger yanks to the dog’s neck with the leash when it pulled. No consideration towards the extreme stress the dog was in prior to that which caused it to pull in the first place. No communication with the dog, no telling him to stop or slow down, just physical pain with the dad smiling and chatting the entire time. Extreme defensiveness when I pointed out maybe it’s a bad idea to pull him. No intention of acknowledging that it negatively affects the “people” he has control over.

I had a good day besides that though. I had fun walking the dog on the beach and eating dinner afterwards. I know they genuinely want me to lean on them and they want to help if it gets hard but for fucks sake, JUST GO NO CONTACT. I am crying in bed, mildly shaking, avoiding considerably safe roommates, defensive for no reason… just because of the “happy” meeting a few hours ago. Any contact with them has a negative impact on my well-being, even if it’s pleasant. The only reason they’re keeping such contact with me is because they keep going deaf/defensive whenever they hear anything that could make them think less of themselves. The only way I could ever stay in contact with them is if I kept pretending that they’re such perfect parents they think they are and all of my goddamn symptoms are just “whims” or whatever.

They are ok enough they deserve being told I do not want to keep contact with them. They are NOT ok enough for me to ever try to mend the relationship again. Fuck seriously myself, don’t EVER forget that. I was and will be so much happier without them in my life. They make me so paranoid. Balance my life first. Get a new job. Make sure I’m prepared and mentally stable. Then fucking ditch them