WARNING mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation.

Honestly everyday I convince myself more and more that I can't do anything else! Sure there's other options but it's as if fate or something isn't allowing me to choose any other option. I'm so tired of feeling this way and yet I do nothing about it or I keep doing the same thing for years! Im certain if I could do anything else I'd have done it by now. I'm just destined to be this way in this moment. I don't know when or if I'll finally be allowed to do something different by what ever force is holding me back. I don't want to be depressed I'm not seeking that out. I don't wake up everyday thinking about how to sink deeper into depression. It's not my choice to be depressed who chooses to feel this way. I'm just certain at this point it is out of my control. I want to exercise go outside ride my bike whatever. There's so many things I want to do that I don't do. Why wouldn't I do them if I want to do it? Because it's hard? People do hard shit all the time. I'm just not in control.

If I was in control I'd be doing things to make myself happy. It seems like the only choice I can actually make is to kill myself. I've tried and I just haven't been successful or I have a change of heart so maybe even that isn't a choice but I come closer to doing that then I come closer to having a social interaction everyday. Well I interact socially everyday with my family I can't avoid it. That doesn't make me happy though. I don't think being happy is a choice I have.The universe is having fun laughing at me.