I had posted this to r/addiction as I have been trying to understand my behavior, and the reasons behind it. At first what I was going through sounded like emotional addiction, but somebody commented that what I have been through sounds like cPTSD and would like some feedback please.

Without getting too into it, I recently experienced a break up that was my fault. This person had been the least problematic person I have dated. before I dated this person, I was with a narcissist who knocked me up and left me, shattering what little self confidence and esteem I had, and before that I was with somebody for almost all of high school, who treated me like shit and lied to me. These were not short relationships, either; all of them lasted at least one year or more.

I didn’t give myself enough time to fully heal from the emotional abuse and neglect from my baby daddy and was frantically trying to fill the massive, soul-crushing hole that they left in my heart. I’d say I gave myself about five months initially. yeah, maybe I was feeling a lot less sad, but I definitely was not healed. I had decided to go online and do some online dating and I found my last last ex on Bumble.

I loved and still love this person so much, and I fucking can’t stand myself remembering the things I’ve done them. Things were great, until they weren’t. I kept talking to other people online, I didn’t know if it’s because of the thrill of it all or because of my medication (which at a high dose can make my libido skyrocket) or due to the abuse I suffered I felt like I needed other people’s attention and approval to be okay for my self esteem to return, or a mix.

No matter what I did I always ended up going back to my old ways, no matter how much I wanted To stop, I always went back to it. My ADHD and impulse control issues do not make anything easier.

The thing that frustrated me the most is that I knew that what I was doing was bad but I couldn’t stop and I didn’t know why I couldn’t, though now I feel I have somewhat of a better grasp on it.

From what I have gathered from the research I’ve done, I’m addicted to my own emotional hormones in my body. I’m so familiar with the feeling of being abandoned, disrespected, ignored, lied to and hurt again and again that when I’m in a good place I start making my own problems, and it is so unbelievably frustrating and debilitating.

If anybody has any recommendations for books, papers, informational videos or just advice on what to do next, they are greatly appreciated.