I was well on my way to a successful future when I got sick in 2016. Since then, I've had to have multiple neck surgeries, along with other minor surgeries and procedures. I was very sheltered and overprotected as a kid, and my father decided that wasn't long enough. I had to move home between 2007-08. When I got sick, I thought it could be managed, but then hormone deficiencies hit me hard. I got gaslit multiple times by my doctor and my cognition suffered. I couldn't stay awake and I later learned it was due to narcolepsy and ADHD. One of the hormone deficiencies was testosterone. It killed my confidence and made me appear as though I was a teenager at 35 years old. My father insisted on treating me as a child at 35, 36, 37, 38, and 39 years old. I begged and pleaded for him to stop. It appears he has, but there are still times he does it. I'm scared shitless he's going to do it at any waking moment.

My father's idea of helping me is yelling at me and forcing me to do the crap he doesn't want to do. Hell, he forced me to submit my final paper for my master's degree even though I didn't want to. Something was wrong with me but I didn't know what. I was so ashamed with it. My dad thought yelling at me was the only way to get through to me. His yelling has hurt me so much. The paper wasn't finished, it lacked citations, and there were so many sections that made no sense. My cognition had been terribly impacted by narcolepsy and ADHD. I wasn't, and still am not nearly the quality of writer I once was before getting sick. I was so embarrassed. Those of you who are in academia will understand how much work and pride we put into our writing. I wanted to have so much pride and joy in writing this paper but all I have is fear, guilt, and shame. I had finally found a field I loved and now I can't finish because I'm in living hell. I try setting boundaries, and he finds every excuse in the book to get around it. My other problem is, I'm too much of a damn people pleaser. It drives me fucking nuts, and I hate this about myself.

So now, I have a shit ton of illnesses. My father makes me feel like a huge burden, my older brother makes my life a living hell, and I don't have any hope for a future. I'm supposed to have surgery in September and I'm scared out of my mind. My greatest fear is it's going to cause me to backtrack. It's not a majorly invasive surgery but it's a progressive recovery. This means that I'll feel things, new and old over the next 6-12 months. All I can think is I won't be the lucky one who has a successful surgery, who will have a shitty recovery and backtrack two years. I wish to God things could go right for me and I could have hope again. I want out so damn badly. I try to look for and apply for jobs but all I see and hear is "you can't do that" or "there's no way you can do that, you have x, y , z wrong with you." I'm trying to get out of my parent's house and they give me every damn guilt trip possible. I trapped in hell and I don't know how to get out!