People deliberately scare me at work and at home because I have such an over the top and easily triggered reaction. I guess it looks funny, I'm not mad at them or anything. They don't know. But god I just wish there was a way to tell them to PLEASE stop, that when they scare me suddenly I'm right back there with my trauma, that my body is trying to protect me from something I haven't had to go through in a long time. I don't want to remember how it feels. I don't want to have to tell them about my trauma to get them to stop. They should just stop because I said to please not do it.

The worst one happened about a year ago. I was doodling sitting at a desk with music playing completely in my own world and my colleague came up behind me and put his hands on me and yelled. I fucking lost my shit, fell off my chair, screamed and had the biggest panic attack. Sobbing, curled up, hands outstretched because he kept trying to come closer to apologise and I couldn't stand him even approaching me. I couldn't breathe and was full of adrenaline and pacing for hours after even when I could stop crying.

My first instinct when I could talk was to beg him not to tell anyone, and to comfort him and say it isn't his fault and he couldn't have known. Idk why I'm so scared but I just don't want anybody to know about it. I'm worried he told anyway.

The worst part is I feel so guilty for my reaction, he must feel like such a dick. I know he didn't mean to actually upset me, people do this sort of stuff to each other all the time and I gave him no indication that I couldn't handle it.

Idk why I'm posting this. I just wish it was normalised to ask ahead of time if startle based pranks were okay to do. I wish I could just say no thank you and trust that nobody would ever do it again.