TW: physical and mental child abuse

Around this time of the year as a child, I was consistently always punished for not having straight A's on my report card. Sunny, hot weather was an omen of whippings with extension cords. The last day of school was a prelude to me being called a failure and being forced to study college material that I barely understood in middle and high school. I "didn't deserve happiness" because I was "clearly slacking off with friends who are dumber than me".

Every. single. year. When I was much younger, a GPA lower than a 4.0 got me slapped, cussed out and even locked in solitude by my father. While it seemed everyone else got to go on vacations with their families and have happy stories to tell in class in the fall -- I came to school with new scars on my body and a fear of the bell ringing at 2:50 PM.

Now, at 24, I've realized that I'm sensitive to noises, heart pounding and light sweats over basic communication disconnects with my partner. I wake up with a guilty feeling, like I don't deserve to be happy. It's nearly debilitating, and though I take Hydroxyzine and use breathing exercises, this feeling has never gone away.

I'm just curious if anyone else feels this way.