so me (21m) and my gf (23f) have been together for a year and a half and we have a good relationship overall and it works well for both of us, but like any other relationship it isnt perfect and i would like to talk about that a little bit so i can get some perspective from some of you and maybe help my gf and understand her better

she went through some serious trauma (serious emotional neglect since a child, domestic violence, mom had troubles with alcohol and owing people money, she always had new "stepdads" and she had to leave her moms house by herself at 13 years old and live with her dad who wasnt that much better because one of her stepdads was beating her mom really bad, she slept on a mattress they found in the garbage, her dad used to always come home late and leave my girlfriend in front of their building waiting for him for 6/7 hours sometimes, you guys get what i mean...) up until she was 20.

i've figured out how to make her feel the safest she can in our relationship and i think thats why it works, i worked on it in therapy if i'm secure and i just stay secure she can get closer when she feels like getting closer and she withdrawls when she feels like it and i make sure she can express herself and her love how she wants to and i dont make her feel like she owes me anything, i'm convinced this girl loves me so much she doesnt even know how to deal with those emotions sometimes, and i was able to get her therapy for free and she loves going and she's been getting more and more aware and vulnerable about everything and i think she is so strong and she just needs space to figure everything out at her own pace without pressure from anyone.

the thing is, she can have some toxic behaviours sometimes especially when it comes to conflict and her mood swings. like if i need to communicate something that I didnt like she always takes it as an attack on her and gets super defensive and when she's triggered its like she's someone else or she just turns very cold and rational like she totally detaches any emotion from whats going on and that makes me sad sometimes because it makes me feel like she doesnt care because sometimes she does things that are actually hurtful and then she's the one that gets mad on top of it and i think its because she perceives it as failing to live up to a certain expectation that i might have for her and that kinda reassures what she thinks about herself, that being that she's a bad person and a bad girlfriend (she's told me this plenty of times) so she gets triggered idk. and then one week i'm the best person in the world and she missed me and loves me and is so attached to me and then the next week i barely see her or hear from her, which is hard because i need consistency in order to actually feel safe myself.

i need some help trying to understand this since it can be frustrating as fuck sometimes because i really dont want to attach any of those behaviours to her and i always try and rationalize it but idk how to talk to her about it

anyways just needed to vent a little, and no i dont want to break up with her and yes i know what it takes to be with her and i welcome it with open arms i just need guidance (sry but i'm tired of non-empathetic friends judging my gf)