I keep feeling so confused. One part of me says we shouldn't feel guilty and that we are just trying to survive. I was so unhappy. I dont want to write my story but I was severely abused and I genuinely feel ruined as a human being. I feel emotionally dysregulated around my family and I thats why avoid them. I been avoiding my family for 2 years. I dont know why Im so scared. I dont wanna be scared.

But some other part of me feels guilty and angry at myself. My grandpa is dying and my disabled parents are taking care of him. I never visit my sisters (I love them and I feel like I abandoned them.) I am willing to admit I am a selfish rotten apple who ruined the family. I hate that I hate my family. I hate that I fear them. I wish I wasnt born. I know they see me as their anchor ⚓️ and I ran away. I ran so far away.

They are the reason I have a dissociative disorder and I forget everything. I forget they are my family. Then I miss them sometimes. But most days I am numb, hateful or scared of them.

I think if they showed me genuine love I might still be around. I dont know. It hurts my heart so fucking much to be alive. Seriously. I wish they'd reach out and show they l9ve me. I know I am flighty but if they Apologized or were gentle with me maybe id still be around

That really hurt to type but it helped me releaae some of this