Hi everyone, I’m lying in bed in what is supposed to be a work day due to emotional exhaustion and I’ve been spending my time off resting, journaling and reflecting.

I just triggered myself because I wanted to do some trauma work on my own, researching emotional deprivation schema. My brain kinda froze during the research and then all is stuck and exhaustion came. I should’ve followed my therapist’s advice to save the heavy stuff for our session in a safe, well-contained environment but I guess I jumped the gun (again).

I was eager because this is close to my endgame. After two decades of healing, learning, re-traumatising, re-healing, picking up the pieces, uncovering lost memories, identifying triggers, abusive relationships, self harm, workaholism, moving abroad and starting a new life, isolation and lockdowns, re-living loss and grief, in and out and in therapy again, I have peeled the dark onion of my wounds to almost the core. It has been so so much work and I came such a long way.

I wanted to feel proud of my resilience. I survived extreme childhood isolation and negligence, raised by a schizophrenic parent, unstable and destructive self image, repressed sexuality, panic attacks, generalised anxiety and an ocean of grief. I had gone through CBT, ACT, psychoanalysis, antidepressants and now in schema therapy.

I have had 5 major maladaptive schemas standing in my way and now I’m down to the last two, the final primary one being emotional deprivation- something that’s been haunting me since 3 (or earlier).

Even though I’m stuck today I know I’ll get through with it someday. I always get through. I’m not afraid of setbacks and defeat because I’ve been at much lower places and yet I always get back on my feet, as long as I breathe. I don’t care if I’m productive or successful I know this is my journey it is unique, brave and meaningful. I will win this in the end because I will keep trying, forever and always. I deserve my version of happiness and refuse to settle for any less.

I’m ready for my endgame.