When I was three, I remember riding my yellow trike up the street from my house, as I did everyday, and while doing so, came across a section of pavement that was just finished. I remember the balls of tar get on my trike, shoes/shoelaces, and pants (I can still smell the warm tar to this day). As I got to the corner of Emmons & another road, I was going to keep going. I turned my head and saw an older girl (age 7) playing out front on her parents lawn. I approached her, and she told me she had more toys in her room, so I followed her into her house. From here, I remember following her into her bedroom. She laid down on her bed and coerced me over to her. She told me to kiss her (nipples, then labia) and I did...

...from here is nothing but black, and I can't remember the rest of the day.

I would later practice laying in bed with two girls, in various amounts of apparel, never fully naked, mostly me with a shirt off around 3 years later. The third time this happened, I developed feelings for the girl and I remember playing underneath her sheets during one day; the fourth time, that same girl and I were in a field by her house, surrounded by friends and I think her brother, whom all chided us on as we were having "sex". The next time I went over to her house, they had moved away.

At 9, I would discover pornography as a black and white playboy near the local railroad tracks. Later, I would be at Muscular Dystrophy Camp, where a counselor brought a whole bunch of pornography magazines, and I remember masturbating a lot in my youth, up until three years ago. I was also unknowingly sexually abused by my parents when they aired rated R movies as me and my sister watched somewhere around 9 years old as well. Later in my early teens, my cousin coerced me to flash my penis at oncoming traffic while we were up at our family cottage in Canada.

Outside of COCSA and SA, there was much more abuse, neglect, and abandonment.

I now suffer from Major Depressive, Generalized Anxiety, Seasonal Affective, Adult Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity, Borderline Personality, Post-Traumatic Stress, and Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. I've scored high on ACEs & very low on Resiliency Factors on many trauma tests, and am now on meds for my mental health, and seeking trauma therapy as well. I'm mentally and physically disabled now, but I haven't lost the will to recover and survive. I may only have 5 years left of my life, but I'm gonna fight til my last breath.