tw: sexual abuse, sexual content, mention of rape

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I'm very conflicted if this was actually sexual abuse or not. My cousin(23f) and I (21) used to be very close. She had moved in with us at the end of 2019 and stayed with us until summer of 2020. There was a lot that happened that isn't relevant to this but after she moved out, I had a lot of resurfacing memories and feelings.

We go way back. I think around 2009. I would have been around 8 when it started. We used to play pretend at my house like normal kids until it started getting a little adultish. We would pretend to be characters that were in sexual relationships. She showed me porn magazines. She would even tell me different ways to have sex like oral and vaginal. At this point there was no physical touch.

About two years later, this was still going on. My mom had passed away in 2011 and it started to get a little worse. She started showing me way to pleasure myself. She would always make everything sexual. As far as I knew, no one had any idea that any of this was going on.

As I started spending more time at her house, she would get more aggressive towards me. She had me pinned against a mattress on the wall and wanted me to get away from her. She wouldn't let me go and I didn't want to hurt her. She would also act out rape with me as the victim. She used my hips to grind on. I remember laying there as she did it and wanting to just disappear. It was annoying and uncomfortable. She even made my hips raw from how often it happened.

The things that make me question it is how easily i went along with it. I hardly ever argued. There was a time where i encouraged her to unbuckle my swim top as an "outside narrator" (sounds really weird but there we would pretend that there were these two narrators that would observe us and they were for talking out of character lol). I didn't think anything of it since she still insisted we showered together at her house.

She also treated me as a partner if we weren't playing pretend. I cant quite describe it but she had this possessive attitude when it came to other people hanging out with me. She hated my other friends and drove them away. She was easily jealous when it came to not spending time with her. She was like that when she lived with me a few years ago as well. The only reason it stopped it because I moved away in 2012.

This is the jist of what happened. I'm sorry for any unnecessary details. Its been heavy on my brain lately and I freeze up when i try to talk to my therapist