These are some thoughts/ramblings and experiences that I find myself going over quite frequently with new people looking to try CNC. I am not trying to mansplain your feelings and how you approach your kink. I am sharing. While this is for sure not exhaustive and may not apply in to every person in every situation I have received a lot of positive feedback so I’m sharing. It’s totally ok if it’s not helpful to you it maybe helpful to others.

As the victim in the scenario you have a lot of topics you need to think through and ideally be able to share and communicate in order for you to have the best experience possible. If you can’t effectively communicate your needs and wants it’s unlikely the logical part of your brain will allow you to take the leap to bring the sexy fantasy over into real life action. CNC itself is generally a paradox. Part of you wants a scary, rough, anonymous scenario where you are taken against your will and used in some manner. However the other part of you knows that essentially every aspect of this is not in anyway safe. So the more you hype up the dangerous aspects of it in your mind the less likely you are to actually follow through with it. Here are some ways to get what you actually want out of the scenario and not be bitterly disappointed.

I feel like there are three main segments of a scene. Each segment is like a volume knob going from 1-10. Realistically there are more than three but I’m going to address the main ones.

The scene scenario and logistics. Is this going to be an abduction, Uber ride, date, massage or other. Are you going to meet and talk for a while? For example I had a situation where the person was nervous so we walked and chatted for about 45 mins at a park and then there was a planned point at which they would say “ok let’s go somewhere else” if they felt comfortable. Conversely I’ve shut off the power at someone’s house to kill the cameras and gone in at 3:00am when they didn’t know what was happening for the first 30 seconds. Meeting and talking and hanging out in a public place makes it less anxious and scary but maybe takes the edge off. Abducting someone or breaking in is a 10 on the scary but might be just what you are looking for. There are pros and cons to everything.

Next is the level of aggression, manhandling, violence. This builds off the first section. Being slapped or hit by a complete stranger that is wearing a mask is way different than being slapped/choked/hit by someone that you have been talking to and got a really good vibe from and feel somewhat safe with. Just because you are very comfortable being slapped in a ‘normal’ situation with your boyfriend doesn’t mean it will automatically translate. Fear, anxiety and the unknown can make you have a completely different reaction. You need to be able to articulate very clearly what you are looking for. For many many many women what they are actually looking for is just to feel the power of a man holding them down, flipping them over moving them from positions to position. That’s what they mean when they say they want to be manhandled. If you know for sure you like and need to be hit in some fashion say those words. “I love to be slapped in the face, on the tits, I want to be spanked hard”. Be specific and clear. Please get away from saying I just want to be used, I like it rough, I want to be taken. That is so vague it’s essentially useless. It could mean anything from you want to just lay there and be fucked to you want to be hung from the ceiling and beaten like a piñata. You are setting yourself up for failure. Keep in mind your mind and body react to everything differently in a CNC where you don’t know the person. With your boyfriend you might enjoy being handcuffed or restrained but with a stranger it’s different. Your hands are tied, he’s face fucking you and you start to choke a little. You aren’t sure if he notices. You realize you can’t use your hands to push him off, your hard rate raises and you start to panic because you can’t say anything due to the cock in your throat, you can’t use your hands, the panic gets worse because you don’t know if he can tell what’s happening. You start to spiral and hyperventilate. So again be aware of things being different than you might be used to. Also think what you actually enjoy. Not what CNC is online or in a book or what you think the man wants. What do you actually want?

Number 3 the actual sex and limits. I believe this is the one that lets people down the most. Personally I believe it’s due to lack of women feeling comfortable to discuss their wants needs and preferences but that’s another topic. For the love of all that is good and sexy please don’t say something like. I’m ok with everything except scat/urine. No the fuck you aren’t. Really think about it. There are so many nuances, so many preferences. So many ways to ruin the time together. Here are some things that you should be thinking about. This is not exhaustive but should help get your brain going. Are you ok with the following: actually being physically fucked for over an hour or more, being spit on, rough fingering with multiple fingers, stretching your pussy, attempts to fist it, insertion of other objects, anal fingering, dry anal, rough anal, anal with a cock that is of above average girth, ass to mouth, to pussy, to ass to mouth and back again, forced rim jobs, toys and object being used in all holes at the same time, being filmed while being fucked, being degraded either by word or deeds, having cum inside you or in your mouth or a facial. Remember all these are not only possible but probable and you’ll be doing them in a state of mild to severe anxiety with a stranger. Be specific with what you don’t want but more importantly be specific with what you do want. It helps everyone and it will help the safety side of your brain actually want to go through with it because you will feel better that everything has been covered.

This leads me to a couple tips and tricks. Regardless of whether you enjoy porn or are comfortable with it please spend sometime and find some clips or videos that demonstrate two things. The level of aggression and the type of sex acts that you are looking for. Can be multiple videos and each video may not be perfect. You might say, I like how he is fucking her hard in this one but I don’t like how he drags her by the hair across the room. Or I like this level of manhandling but I don’t want to be spit on. Videos do such a better job of conveying the different levels. A slap can be different for everyone. Being degraded can mean so many things. Sending a videos that says I want THIS leaves little room for ambiguity. Don’t try to combine all things at once. Don’t make your first CNC a bucket list of everything. It can’t be your first CNC, first anal, first time tied up, first time with a weapon, and in public. First of all it’s unlikely you follow through and secondly it will all suck and could ruin those individual aspects for you. So many times I run into people that don’t want anal because their 18 year old boyfriend tried to shove it in with no lube and no warm up and to talking about it. They miss out on something wonderful because of lack of proper preparation. Keep it simple. Lastly the reality is that more than likely certain parts of the session will be not what you expected or imagined. That is ok and understandable. If you are realistic you know that a man you’ve never met is unlikely to be able to recreate the pseudo anime, romance novel fantasy that you have swirling in your mind. That’s ok. A lot of this is so you have the experience to provide new fodder for your brain. Once you have the scene you can always do more and then convey things you want done differently to your partner. But more powerfully now your mind has a real platform to launch even wilder fantasies from the safety of your own bed while you play with yourself. Now in your mind when you replay it there were two guys, or you were on a yacht when it happened or you got put in cage and kept as a slave. It will unleash a torrent of new material for you to work with and you will love it. Final thought this should be fun above all else. Do what you need to make it fun. Whether that is dial back the intensity, dial back the aggression or the sex acts or ramp it up. You shouldn’t feel a dark cloud over you or impeding doom. If you do, you need to communicate and make changes.