Greetings, thank you for reading this ad. I have finally caved and decided that this is the only way to attract what I am looking for - and, as that is something most would find rather dark and disturbing, here is your content warning: I am looking for someone to emotionally hurt, abuse and manipulate me.

That is the gist of it. If that fact offends you or makes you think lesser of me then leave this post now; for it is not for you.

I personally identify as aromantic and asexual. For the life of me, I cannot figure out if this is due to sexual trauma that I experienced in the past or not. It might be both. Looking back, I have never been attracted to neither men nor women in the slightest and no sort of physical or emotional affection has ever brought me any joy. I am numb to those things. They’re always uncomfortable at best and disgusting at worst.

I have tried BDSM to scratch that itch, also. It wasn’t that good of a match but I got closer to realising what it is that I need. Some aspects of “kink” really spoke to me - mainly dominance that another person holds over me - but it loses my interest pretty quickly whenever I try.

Sometimes it’s how horny my “play partner” gets and how they start acting like an animal, controlled by urges I don’t understand - but other times it’s that I just lose my suspension of disbelief and am reminded of the truth.

Said truth being the disappointing reality of this interesting experience having, in actuality, just been two socially maladjusted adults roleplaying out a fantasy.

That disgusts me. The notion of a play-session, of a “safe-sane-and-consensual” environment, of me having ultimate power over someone who is supposed to have power over me with a “safe word”.

How am I supposed to take a dominant seriously when I can disarm them with the utterance of a single term or phrase?

It is all so close to being what I want, what I need, but the power I inevitably hold makes me detest the entire experience and leaves me feeling just as numb as I would in any other “intimate” interaction.

This is a feeling of being empty, embarrassed. It’s as if nothing we did or felt mattered. Because it didn’t. I never submitted to you. I simply pretended to; just as you were pretending to dominate me. We were just lying. For fun. Stripping out connection of any meaning.

I have been a victim of emotional manipulation in the past. Nothing too drastic, just a partner figuring out that I am afraid of being left alone (hooray for anxious attachment style) and abusing that in order to get me to do what they wanted.

That was the one time I ever had butterflies in my stomach, that I got to see the world through those rose tinted glasses everyone else keeps yapping about. I want that again. I deserve this, I think.

Like I said, pretending does nothing for me. When I pretend in any sort of roleplay, or BDSM context that is a safe and sane exchange me and my partner are equals, and that fucks me up.

Because - I am not looking for an equal. I’m looking for a superior.

There are some ethical concerns that come with that, I’m aware of this. Fret not, I have considered and reviewed said concerns and was able to safely discard them. Find my reasoning as to why below:

I pride myself with my academic credentials, intellectual abilities and my active effort to try to understand, rationalise and categorise felt experiences, external knowledge and emotions. I am a cognitive being who lives in a world of overthinking, abstraction and scientific thought. If you best me at this most fundamental part of my character, who could possibly argue that you do not deserve to manipulate me at your leisure?

If you are better than me why shouldn’t I submit?

Why shouldn’t I follow your every command and let you gaslight, shame and scare me into whatever use you happen to have for me? Like desired, contested territory, I am conquered, like uncharted lands I am claimed.

If I am so far below your level, who could possibly fault you for attempting to civilise me?

As we just got into some really dark aspects of my desires here, I feel like adding I also have no issue with signing any type of legal document comparable to an NDA.

This relationship is not supposed to get you into trouble and you will not face any professional, social or legal repercussions for our interactions.

Said interactions, I would prefer to be conducted over chat - Reddit DM at first and eventually Discord, if that’s an option. I am not opposed to IRL meetings as well, just keep in mind that - despite my “dark desires” - I still am a recovering SA-victim, who needs some time to adjust to a new intimate contact accordingly.

I also feel like adding that my usage of “dark desires” was due to necessity in sentence structure. I don’t stand behind the implications of the latter term. I don’t actively desire this abuse, I think. It is just the one way I apparently have to like a person.

If for some reason this matters to you, I’d also like to add that I am a rather fit white male with brown hair.

If any of this spoke to you: please reach out. I feel like I was able to convey my character rather well in my writing, these sorts of thoughts, analyses and contemplations are what I can bring to the table during our chats as well.

I am not quite sure what the actual interaction that I expect even is. Ideally it would be you, making me dependent on you over a long period of time through exhausting cycles of vicious emotional abuse that grow more intense and frequent as time passes. God, it felt good to get those thoughts off my chest. I still feel a bit disgusting, making these statements. Maybe I am. Who knows?

Addendum: If you are someone who is considering reporting, removing or deleting this post in order to “protect me” - I humbly ask you to understand that I am an adult individual, acting in sane mind and body, as I am asking for intimacy in the only way I can process and who are you to deny me that?