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I've just had a bit of a surreal date, and just thought I'd give you guys a bit of a funny story... and maybe get your thoughts.
I've never really been on a date. I'm in my mid 20s and have had a bf before, but we met at work and never really like 'dated'. It just kind of happened. We broke up over lockdown (I'm still sad about it but need to try to move on) so downloaded bumble.
I matched with a guy, and we've had a pretty banterous back and forth while getting to know eachother over the past few weeks. You know, both making fun of eachother and not taking ourselves too seriously. It's been a lot of fun and we have a lot in common. So we agreed to meet. How bad can it be?
So we meet up. We then go into the restaurant and he says something that really really cut deep actually. He says 'you look uglier in real life'. I asked him to repeat it, kind of thinking I must have misheard, and he does... I was just kind of taken aback.
I was half tempted to leave but stuck through the meal. He made fun of quite a few things (my shoes, the school I went to, my backpack etc.). Nothing complimentary was said, really.
I kind of figured he was trying to be funny but wasn't into me, so made a quick getaway after the meal. He walks me to the train station, and kisses my cheek on the way. On the way, I could feel him maybe going to grab my hand but wasn't sure so put them in my pockets. I then go in for the 'goodbye hug' and he TRIES TO KISS ME ON THE LIPS as I pulled back from the hug! I just swerved him (very awkward as very public) and was like 'Ooh, haha, maybe not on the first date!'.
He then texts asking me how I found it. I did not mince my words and said it was like an hour and a half of a roasting session and couldn't believe the comments on my looks. He apologises, calls me twice, says he really likes me, thinks I'm cute and thinks I'm too good for him, and he was trying to be funny. He wants me to forgive him and see him again so he can redeem himself.
Am I just really really unlucky or is this how dating is? I think maybe he was nervous and was trying to be funny. But maybe this is a huge red flag.
It just really cut to the core when he said about my looks, and now I feel really self-conscious. I don't have any filtered photos or anything, and I've just tried to show me as I am. I actually think I could take some better photos if I could really be bothered. Now I'm worried about future dates. :(
Thank you. This seems to make a lot of sense, and looks like a lot of others agree as well. Definitely seems like one to avoid! Hopefully my next date is better. :)
Yes, I agree. It was pretty unrelenting. It wasn't just the one comment, it was everything - my shoes were wrong, my backpack was wrong, the way I used chopsticks was wrong, my university was wrong. Exhausting.
Thank you :) It's really been so helpful reading through all this.
Thank you! :) I'm reading through the comments and it sounds like this is one to avoid. Deleted his number and onto the next!
Thank you - you're right. I've deleted his number now and will keep my head up and hopefully my next date will be with someone better.
Thank you - I think so too but just thought I'd check as this is all new to me. Oh well, hope my next experience is better haha.
I can really relate to this. I sat there the whole meal putting up a brave face but just feeling that pit in my stomach and feeling like crap on the back of what he said.
Thank you for sharing - it's helped me :)
Yes, exactly! And I also spent ages getting ready, bought a new outfit, put on my best perfume and best shoes... so it was kind of extra hard to hear, haha.
I think you're right - it comes from a confidence issue on his side and, whatever it was, it's a big red flag. Time to move on and go on a date with someone else.
I'm glad I did it though - I'm glad I faced my fear and went on a date and I haven't given up on dating... yet!
Thanks for this. I don't feel like I'm seeking validation though - I'm perfectly self-sufficient and don't need someone (male or otherwise) to tell me what I want to hear. Equally, though, I don't want to write someone off completely based on what I may have (wrongfully) interpreted.
I'm really inexperienced with dating, so was just trying to get a feel for whether my gut instinct was right, or if I was just reading into things too much.
Thank you - sounds like it's not normal and I've dodged a bullet!
Thank you. A mind fuck indeed - insulting me one minute to throwing himself on me the next. I've deleted his number and hopefully my next date will be a bit better!
Thank you. Yes, I agree. Concerning warning signs.
I’ve unmatched and blocked him now. I will just leave the restaurant if something like that happens in the future, rather than sitting through it then dashing. Here’s hoping my next date will be better!
I've thought about your question for a fair bit. Why didn't I leave...
Although I do know I should never worry about being rude or creating a scene if I'm uncomfortable on a date, I think the biggest reason is that we were in a nice restaurant and had just sat down. It wouldn't have been a quick and easy getaway storming off past loads of tables of diners and wait staff, which I know in itself isn't a good reason. I'll work on that for next time though.
I know it sounds silly retrospectively, but I thought maybe I was just being overly sensitive and misinterpreted his comments. I'm a pretty sensitive person (which I'm working on) and didn't want one comment to get me down, plus I did really like him on the basis of our texts and phone calls. Maybe it was me...
I also don't really have much dating experience, so thought maybe it's the kind of thing you just have to deal with.
Next time, I'll just leave. Who cares if random people notice. My instincts were right, and there's really no going back from a comment like that - especially when he can just repeat it again right to my face.
It has been a learning experience for me which I'll genuinely learn from. I did get an interesting story out of it and now I have an answer when people ask 'what's been your worst date'!
Yes, I agree. I'm trying not to think about it too much but equally I wouldn't want to write him off if I'm just being oversensitive. Time to move onto the next - hopefully the next chocolate is less bitter, haha!
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Thank you. The more I think about it, and read what you've written, I tend to agree. It's just not normal or polite.
The mind still boggles as to how he goes from insulting me from trying to touch and kiss me but anyway... nobody said dating would be easy.
Thank you again. :)